A Farewell to Adam: A fucked up roommate

Ok. Maybe fucked up is an exaggeration, but you were weird.

A word of advice Adam, or anyone reading this, please disclose to people (roommates) you are moving in with if you smoke weed. I am not personally against smoking weed, in fact, I enjoy it myself from time to time. However, I have found that it is courteous and considerate to inform the people you are moving in with that you smoke, in case they have a problem with it.

As I said, I personally do not, but I definitely do not like it smoked inside my house. Adam decided to rent a room in my house six months ago. He did not disclose that he smoked weed, let alone that this is what he does all day. I have learned my lesson about asking roommates for three pay check stubs and making sure I rent to someone who either has a full time job or works close to full time at ONE job.

This is because I have found that “freelancers” are really just people: a.) living off unemployment, meager savings, or money from parents b) people who hardly ever work and sit at home alot c) people who become lazier with each day they do not work

Now does this go for every freelancer, of course not. I have rented to several aspiring actors who worked their asses off waiting tables or even worked as escorts! However in my recent unlucky L.A. experience, I have found that a lot of people come to L.A. with the intention to be able to tell everyone back home that they are working as an “artist” in L.A when in reality

a) their parents are paying their rent while the occasionally drive for “Lyft”

b) they had a gig and are living off the fumes of their savings, too proud to get a serving job

With this recent string of roommates I have had, most of them sat at home ALL day, watching tv, watching Netflix, “painting” or smoking weed.

In Adam’s case, it was smoking weed. ALL day.

Adam presented himself as an aspiring actor, having come to LA from the east coast, motivated to make it big. He even showed a clip of him on a tv show where he was a background actor and he also flashed us his SAG card, a privilege he assured us.

In the six months that he lived with us he worked about six gigs, each one about 12 hours in length. Other than that, he would wake up at about 8 am to play video games with his brother on the east coast, then he would go out to our back patio for a about two hours to smoke weed and read. Then he would go back to his video games, then back to the patio for two hours for smoking and reading. This is what he did all day. Back and forth, back and forth.

He smoked so much weed, a trail of Eau de Cannabis followed him everywhere like the Peanuts character Pig-Pen. We would joke that all he ever did was sit out in the back patio, but over time I started to see him less and less in the back patio. He resided mostly in his room and though he swore he never smoked in the house, the smell of weed crept out from under his door and assaulted anyone walking into his room.

This definitely bothered me. I don’t mind occasional smoking in my house, but Adam smokes a bowl every two hours. He is so addicted, we once took him to a two hour long comedy show which ran a half hour late. We could see him becoming antsy and irritable. He even declined going out with us after because he needed to get back home to smoke.

Adam occasionally works nights driving for Lyft, completely stoned, which is hilarious. But other than leaving the house occasional nights to drive, he very rarely left to do anything social. He brought a girl over once in six months, we never saw her again. He brought a creepy, equally stoned friend over a few times to play pool a few times. Other than that he very rarely left the house. I believe he was actually unable to enjoy normal social situations unless he could freely smoke. I’m sure this had something to do with why he rarely booked acting gigs..it was too difficult to smoke on set.

I sometimes wonder what he will do when he needs to get a full time job, how he will function.

Over time I also noticed him becoming more and more distant and irritable. He would always chose to eat outside (so he could smoke of course) and never in the house around the roommates. If he left the house, he never said bye, never said good morning, a bad upbringing perhaps?

All I know is I eventually tired of seeing a 27 year old teenager sitting in my backyard smoking weed all day, practically rolling his eyes if I asked if he could take out the trash. It began to irritate me that this dude never left the house. In almost six months I was home alone maybe twice.

At one point we were friends on Facebook, and when he would actually have a gig he would post a picture of himself on set and caption the photo: “Tell me about you 9-5job again?”

I wanted to add a comment saying: “Yea, tell them about your awesome bustling acting career in LA where you sit in someones backyard all day smoking weed reading graphic novels.”

Anyway, I wonder what will happen to this guy…

Don’t be a DumbBitch

 

 

Yesterday I met with my very good friend Jen for lunch. Jen is a straight up go-getter. She works in production for the music industry and hustles for all of her gigs. She travels the world with bands and is pretty much always busy.

Jen is also super organized and intelligent. Her time working in production which is pretty much dominated by men has left her somewhat boyish but in a cute way. She is definitely feminine just in a tom boyish im-not-gonna-do-my-hair kind of way. Interestingly I believe her time working with men has left her more assertive, which is great!

My point is she is a pretty bad ass bitch. But that doesn’t change that she can be a doormat like anyone else. She was married a few years ago, for almost ten years. During one of her gigs, Jen fell for one of her co-workers, Brian, who was on her nuts and said he loved her. Once she went back home to her “normal” life with her husband, Jen realized she was no longer happy being married.

She got a divorce, moved out with a friend, and decided to pursue things with Brian. Jen and Brian had a few months where they were home and were able to get to know each other off the road. But it quickly became apparent to Jen that the relationship was different when they weren’t on tour working.

Brian suddenly seemed a lot less interested and committed. Jen would go visit him at his apartment in West Hollywood, they would have sex, and then he would say something like “I need my space”. He started to become more aloof and would blow off Jen for friends pretty often. This eventually turned into Brian telling Jen he wasn’t ready for a relationship although their “relationship” consisted mainly of Jen going over to have sex with him then leaving in the morning.

Jen was obviously hurt by this and it took her a while to get her self-esteem back. She couldn’t understand what had changed and why. Brian chased her like crazy at work, but then when they were off the road he had almost no interest in her. And she had given up her marriage for him!

At one point Jen had invited me to work as a runner for a famous band for which she worked as the tour manager’s assistant. To say it was mostly men on the production team is an understatement. They were chain-smoking grungy metal-head looking teddy bears. Most of them were very cool, I’m just trying to paint the picture here. The few women working on the team were butch lesbians or equally beat up metal-head looking older women. In the midst of all this masculinity, Jen’s tom boyishness vanished and she resembled more of a babe.

I believe that this is what Brian saw. Being on the road for months can get lonely, and naturally, you bond with your co-workers. Jen was the most attractive and feminine looking chick of the bunch (to a straight guy). Outside of this world and back in normal work-out-everyday and starve yourself L.A., Jen was not so hot to shallow Brian. So they eventually broke up and she went back to being single. He never called her, except once, drunk. She fell for it and went to visit him. Jen listened to him talk about how he missed her and had made a mistake breaking up with her. So they had sex that night, she left in the morning, and he never called her again.

Just to prove my theory about Jen’s relative hotness; Jen and Brian ended up on tour together again a few months and sure enough, Brian was back to chasing Jen and telling her how much he loved her and had missed her. She was over the moon and when they came back to L.A. Brian moved into Jen’s apartment.

When Jen and I would catch up she would gush about how they wanted to get married and had even decided against having children. Jen was also comittiting what I like to call #DumbBitch mistakes. #DumbBitch mistakes usually consist of any actions which make you a doormat such as:

-not speaking up when your bf is doing something you don’t like

-letting him do whatever he wants, aka being inconsiderate

-waiting at home for him like an idiot all the time while he is out with his friends

-making him your priority when you are clearly not his

-encouraging his douche bag behavior by trying to a “cool girlfriend”

-Trying to be a “cool girlfriend” is the worst DumbBitch mistake you can make next to helping your man get a prostitute.

-“cool girlfriends” generally never look through their man’s phone because “cool girlfriends” believe this makes them look insecure. No it doesn’t. It makes you look like a tool that is too insecure to assert herself for fear of her man walking out on her. If you act like a tool…you will be used like one. Men can sniff out this insecurity on a woman and will use it against her. Every single “cool girlfriend” I know has been cheated on.

Back to Jen. Jen was making the DumbBitch mistake of being a “cool girlfriend”. How? She confided in me that he had been out one night until four a.m. getting drunk with his friends (which he did a lot) and she waited up for him until he got home and then had sex with him. Oooo, I thought. You just reinforced his selfish behavior with sex. No Bueno.

Jen didn’t see it this way. She thought this was being a “cool girlfriend.” Showing she didn’t mind if he was out having fun with his friends. To Jen, having sex with Brian when he came home super late showed how confident she was. Don’t get it twisted ladies. Men think you’re an idiot if you do this.

It’s amazing how many women I know who do this. So many women believe that because men love porn, and all of the women in porn are brainless bimbos with no physical boundaries or self-respect, normal women should also act this way in order to be attractive.

Men love porn because those women allow them to live out society driven fantasies of male domination. Men don’t want to marry these women. They want to watch them, masturbate, and get on with their day.  Men do not respect women who do porn. Those women are just bodies to them. Is that how you want your man to see you?

Anyway after Jen tells me about she was being a “cool girlfriend” I got worried especially with Brian’s track record, but I didn’t say anything. Two weeks later there was trouble in paradise. I met with Jen for lunch and she told me Brian had told her he was no longer attracted to her. “After two weeks?” I said, “That’s shit that happens decades after being together and someone letting themselves go.” She couldn’t understand it, she felt that she was doing everything right. She did everything he wanted her to do..watch porn together during sex and have sex with him when he would come home late. (Not to mention be on the phone texting him like a tool the entire time she was out with her friends).

There you go ladies. Act like a brainless bimbo with no self-respect or personal boundaries and that’s how your man will treat you. Sure, you can act like a DumbBitch and catch a guy for a while, even get one to marry you. But he will be looking at women behind your back and talking about them, if he isn’t doing this in front of you. And if he doesn’t eventually cheat on you and leave you, he will stay with you letting his eyes wander while you do some DumbBitch thing like pop out babies in order to distract yourself from how pathetic and sad your relationship is.

By the way, my friend Jen is convinced that Brian will eventually see the error of his ways. I almost throw up when I hear her say this. He is still technically living with her but they are not together. He is traveling a lot for work which keeps him out but he also chooses to stay with his friends when he is back in L.A. He tells Jen he still loves her, but he hasn’t seen her in months. Okay, he did twice. After he called her drunk telling her he wanted to come over because he missed her. He came over, they had sex, and he never called her again.

DumbBitches don’t learn. Being a DumbBitch will make you, well, dumber. So don’t make it a habit ModernBitches.

My tips for finding a good Roommate

There are a few things I have learned from renting the rooms out in my house to roommates. In this blog post I am going to share my advice:

 

1. Always and I mean always ask to see their last 3 paystubs. I used to skip this step because it made me uncomfortable to look at someone else’s finances and I learned the hard way that this is a very necessary evil. Trying to be nice and polite got me 5 roommates thus far who didn’t work. Three of them lied about having a job when their parents were paying their rent and what I got was overgrown children watching TV in my house all day. One had money “left over” from a project he did, watch out for these people. These people call themselves freelancers but what they are is proud and lazy. Another also lied about having a job when he was living check to check from money he received from the V.A. and when he wasn’t spending the little he had on alcohol, he was paying his rent late.
2. Judge a book by its cover. In my experience I have found that if someone looks messy and as if they don’t care about their appearance, its because they are messy and they will not care about the appearance of your home. Now this is a controversial one, but it has proven to be true every time- if the person is fat and I mean really overweight you can bet that its because they eat a lot and are just overall slobs. People who have really poor diets will naturally have other bad habits that go along with their sedentary lifestyle. Like sitting at home a lot watching T.V. and being lazy about cleaning. Also watch out for these people if there are shared bathrooms because they will be in there A LOT trying to pass their unhealthy stools.
3. Anyone who is late on your first meeting is incredibly self-absorbed. I rented twice to two people who were late to come see the room and didn’t bother to call me to let me know they would be late, I had to call them. I knew it was a red flag when it happened and I kicked myself in the ass when it was confirmed that their lack of punctuality was just a side effect of their selfishness. People who are late to meet you for something they scheduled are plain inconsiderate and they seek to attract people who allow them to be this way, don’t fall for it. Both of them were girls of course. Now I am a feminist so it pains me to say this, but she was the biggest most self-absorbed airhead ever and…she turned out to be an escort. She was late because she was an airhead. Let me finish. She would constantly lock herself out because “she forgot her keys inside” and call me hysterical nearly demanding that I drop whatever I was doing regardless of where I was to come home and open the door for her. She would also leave the stove and oven on……um that was scary. Point is someone who isn’t worried about making a first good impression will NEVER make a good impression on you.
4. Active people are the best to rent to. If you’re anything like me and abhor a couch potato in your home (see number 1) and chose to rent to a fit-looking person. Not attractive, fit. Go ahead and ask them what their hobbies and interests are. Get a feel for their day to day. Someone who says they like to hike or run a few times a week is great. This means they have more energy and are out of the house more.
5. Rent to a 9-5er. There is no better way to ensure that your roommate won’t be sitting in their room all day then to (see number 1) and make sure that they work a set schedule. Watch out for any “freelancers” this is usually code for “I refuse to get up at 8 a.m. everyday and I don’t mind living off of pennies.”
6. Protect yourself with a clause in the lease about overnight guests. In my case, I rent out rooms in a home I own. The rent I collect does not cover the mortgage. I pay more than each roommate does to live in the home, not including utilities (which I do not charge them), wifi & cable, furnishing of the entire house with my furniture, and any maintenance which I pay for. Thus, I do not feel it is fair to allow them to have guests over as much as they want. Why? They don’t pay utilities, they don’t pay for maintenance, and that’s extra people using the wi-fi only I pay for. Watch out for girls. Girls are much clingier than men and will try to move in their boyfriends if you’re not careful. We had a roommate whose boyfriend started to move things in. Um, no. Not under my watch. This isn’t a hotel. Bottom line, the people you rent to will see your home as a hotel. They don’t care if something breaks because they aren’t paying for it, so why let them add a +1 to that equation?

That’s all for now. Please feel free to leave any questions or comments.

-ModernBitch

 

 

A Farewell to Phil (my gross roommate)

  Dear Phil,

There are so many things I would like to tell you, but will never tell you to your face because I will make you cry. So I am writing you this letter with the faint hope that you will come across it one day and know that it was intended for you.

In the five months you rented a room in my house we never so much as had a full conversation. I definitely tried, until I realized you weren’t listening and were prone to using generic, robotic responses. As evidenced by the time you were watching t.v. and I asked that use a coaster (instead of putting your drinks directly on the arm of my expensive leather couch) and I was so nice I actually handed the coaster to you to put the drink on. But instead, you just stared blankly as I stood there holding out a coaster to you. You clearly had not actually listened to a thing I had said, you just pretended to and, thus, had no idea why I was standing before you offering a coaster. You didn’t take the coaster from my outstretched hand, or take the drink off the couch, you just stared at me with an agreeable face, hoping it would be an appropriate enough response to whatever I had said.

Anyway, I would like to take this opportunity to thank you for your contributions the household:

                                                                                        In the bathroom

• Thank you for contributing a strange sweaty smell that may remain long after you are gone and may cause me to have to demolish the bathroom in order to get rid of it.
• Thank you for never washing your sweat-soaked towel and letting it get so putrid we all had to gang up on you and demand that you wash it and start keeping it in your room
• Thank you for disregarding our wishes and continuing to keep your disgusting towel in the bathroom until we all had to gang up on you again and demand that you towel be kept in your room
• Thank you for having a strange obsession with the bathroom and shower which I would complain about to my boyfriend who wouldn’t believe me.
• Thank you for confirming that I am always right when you made an ad on Craigslist for your room and you mentioned that we have the best shower you have ever used in your life.
• Thanks for spilling an unidentified substance all over the bathroom door and floor and not cleaning it up until I threatened to take money from your security deposit. Thanks for staining the door with that unidentified substance and making me ask you to repaint the door.
• Thanks for breaking BOTH towel rods in both bathrooms an instead of fixing them, just hanging them back up so they can fall off the second the next person touches them.

                                                                                  In the Kitchen

• Thanks for using the paper towels we generously supply free of charge as cutting boards instead of using the actual cutting boards we supply you with free of charge.
• Thank you for NEVER voluntarily taking out the trash or recycling once in the five months you lived here.
• Thanks for never cleaning out the toaster-oven you generously contributed crumbs to
• Thanks for going through our junk drawer in the kitchen repeatedly after I told you not to because those are OUR things and we are not your parents who should be supplying you with random things like permanent markers and tape.
• And a genuine thank you for accepting that you’re too lazy to wash/dry/put away dishes after using them and, thus, finally deciding to just buy fast food so you don’t have to clean up after yourself
• Thank you for eating in your room every single day when you signed a lease agreeing never to do that.

                                                                                    General

• Thanks for repeatedly leaving lint in the dryer and making everyone else have to clean it out for you.
• Thanks for pretending to “forget” the 2 loads of laundry per week max rule and letting me catch you repeatedly doing three loads of laundry a week.
• Thanks for helping yourself to our things in our garage such as our painting tape, hats, and packing tape.
• Thanks for failing to explain the house rules to your two dirty bum friends who I allowed to stay in my home for a week when they were visiting from out of town. I really appreciated when your buddy took the freshly brewed coffee I made for myself as if this were a hotel.
• Thanks for never bringing in the trash cans from off the sidewalk after trash day even though you walked by them several times.
• Thanks for never bringing in any packages left at the door even though you passed them several times.

And finally, thank you for lying to us when you signed the lease that you had a job. When in reality you occasionally, very occasionally, volunteer and your parents are paying 100% of your rent. We really enjoyed having an overgrown sloppy teenager living in our house for five months. It was nice to have someone living here that never leaves the house, ever, day in and day out (unless its to go get fast food).

I hope where ever you are moving to your perpetual filth is more appreciated. Have fun living in L.A. doing nothing for another few years so you can tell people back home you are a “freelance artist” working in L.A. I bet your mom can’t wait for your inevitable return to the cavernous mold of your ass on her couch.

 

 

My gross roommate

My boyfriend is totally tired of hearing me bitch about my roommate (let’s call him Phil). Luckily Phil is moving out in a few days, but those few days couldn’t pass by fast enough.

So I’m gonna use my blog to bitch about Phil. Anyone who can relate to having a roommate from hell feel free to comment.

Ok so Phil isn’t exactly a roommate from HELL. I have to admit I have had worse. Interestingly but not surprisingly, the worst was the one who didn’t pay rent, go figure.

But Phil is gross. And he is the first truly gross sloppy roommate I have had. I get extra bitter about crappy roommates because I am SUPER specific about what I am looking for in a roommate when I post an ad on Craigslist. I’m so specific, I repeat the house rules to prospective roommates when we first email back and forth, when they come see the room, and when they are signing the lease which includes a separate page with our specific house rules they need to sign separately. So I see no reason to have had the roommates I have had. Except for the reason of them giving two shits about the rules I repeatedly reiterate and just straight up lack of respect for anyone.

Before I continue, let me first say that my boyfriend and I own a two bedroom condo in Toluca Lake which we rent out, and we own a 4 bedroom 3 bathroom house in Los Angeles which we live in and rent out the other rooms. Owning two properties in Los Angeles before the age of 30, more specifically, two nice properties in Los Angeles is no easy feat.

My boyfriend is a tax accountant and he counts every penny and I mean every penny. Did I mention he has Jewish ancestry? He also is a genius at maximizing our money. And we both could have chosen to be less humble and not have roommates. But then we wouldn’t go on lavish vacations each year and I wouldn’t be able to shop the way I do. We have been lucky enough to have financial help for the down payments on our properties from my boyfriend’s parents, but my point is we try to save where we can and we are not ungrateful. We don’t waste our time being lazy.

Back to Phil. When I place an ad on Craigslist for a roommate it goes something like this:

                                  ROOM FOR RENT IN 4 BEDROOM 3 BATH HOUSE $750/MTH ALL UTILITES INC

                    Seeking a roommate for a private room for rent in a 4 bed 3 bath house, all utilities included, cable, and Wi-Fi. The three roommates share two full bathrooms. We have huge balcony and large back patio with a view of L.A. Hardwood floors, central air, granite counters, pool table. We provide dishes, pot, pans, and utensils as well as paper towels, sponges, and dish soap in the kitchen. Washer/dryer on site.

                                     House rules:

•  Dishes need to be washed/dried/put away after you eat or cook
• Chores are shared (throwing out trash, taking out recycling, taking out trash cans, cleaning bathrooms)
• overnight guests allowed no more than 2x week
• everyone gets 2 loads of laundry per week. no more.
• No eating in the bedrooms
• about you: please be clean, like dogs (we have 3)

 

If I had posted a craigslist ad for the roommates I actually got it would have read something like this:

 

                     SEEKING UNEMPLOYED ROOMMATE IN MID 20’S WHOSE RENT IS PAID BY THEIR PARENTS

                       Room for rent in 4bedroom 3 bath house. Late 20’s couple seek to rent out rooms in their home to unemployed people in their mid 20’s who moved to L.A. from another state where they did nothing, to be able to tell people back home they are a “freelance artists in L.A.” when in reality they are 100% unemployed. We prefer that you lie in your response to this ad and tell us that you have a job in which you “edit video” OR “act on the side” or “drive for Lyft”.

              We prefer that your parents actually be paying your rent so that you can sit in our house (instead of their house) all day doing nothing. Or, more specifically, watching Netflix, reading graphic novels, or playing with watercolor paint. We prefer that you smoke weed and read comic books all day or have no artistic talent at all (as an artist I can say this) and sit in your room all playing with watercolors and call yourself a “freelancer”.

More importantly: please NEVER have done chores in your life. Please have parents who never spanked you.

If you are a guy:

Please have a mother who thinks you are God’s gift to this earth, when in reality, the only action you get is from your hand watching porn because women who aren’t paid to act out sex online or have sex with you in person won’t touch you. Please stink, come home piss drunk, forget your keys and break in through our window, and completely ignore the house rules (or bend them as you see fit). Please break things throughout our house and not take responsibility for it like a child, and when you move out ask if you are getting your entire security deposit back. Also please be so lazy you never leave the house except to go buy yourself Starbucks for breakfast, Little Caesar’s pizza for lunch, and maybe Subway for dinner if you don’t have left over pizza. Please only eat out because you are really lazy in general and washing a dish then putting it away is harder to you than getting in your car and driving somewhere. Also, if you ever do use the dishes please stack them in the cupboard to the point where they resemble the Leaning tower of Pisa because you are too lazy to separate the stack of dishes into two…you might die if you exert that much energy.

• If you are a girl: Please be insanely lazy, bratty, skanky, and messy. Please cook daily in our kitchen like you are competing in Iron Chef, but have absolutely no knowledge of cooking. Please leave a huge mess on the stove and make a pouty face and ask if we are still friends when I ask you to clean it. Please fill up the bathroom trash can with your used tissues and q-tips for makeup until it is overflowing and your own mother has to come visit for it to get thrown out (by her). Please see all of my expensive furniture and serveware as dispensable things for you to use to play house with your boyfriend. Please shit on my rule about overnight guests no more than twice a week. Please invite your homeless or “transient” friends to come over just to shower and brush their teeth. Please walk around without a bra while my boyfriend is around, I especially like that. Please slam doors like a six year old when you are upset. Please let me hear you having sex often, thanks.

So…back to Phil? ok so Phil is one of 5 roommates thus far who lied about being employed. In his email, he said he worked for a non-profit editing videos which helped to promote their charity from Africa. That’s sounds nice. And he is from Michigan. Ok, I thought.

Turns out, Phil volunteers to edit stuff for this non-profit…once in a while. He leaves the house maybe 5 times a month, at night, to go out on dates (women he meets on OKCupid) which never turn into anything, not surprisingly. This is Phil’s daily routine:

• 10 a.m. wake up to an alarm, then go to the bathroom for 30-45 mins to take a shit because I am perpetually constipated from a daily diet of Starbucks and pizza.
• Maybe shower after my 30-45 morning shit, if I do shower, make it about a 30 minute shower and manage to break both towel rods in both bathrooms because I pull my towel off of it so hard it goes flying and bouncing all over the bathroom. Proceed to deny that it was me even though everyone heard the noise.
• Go to Starbucks in my Pj’s for my morning coffee and muffin, which I come home and eat in my room even though I agreed not to eat in my room. 
• Stay in my room for about three hours until I have to shit again
• Wash my towel because my roommates and landlord tell me it stinks and I should keep it in my room from now on. Go ahead and do 3-4 loads of laundry even though I agreed in my lease not to do more than 2 loads of laundry per week.
• 1:00 p.m. go to the bathroom to take a shit, sit in there for about an hour, then back to Netlix in my room.
• 2:00 p.m. Go get Little Caesar’s pizza, go home and eat it in my room even though I agreed not to eat in my room.
• 4:00 p.m. Go to the bathroom for 45 mins to take a shit, then back to my room to watch Netflix
• 6:00 p.m. either go buy Subway and eat it in my room, or go take a shit for a half hour, then a second shower if I am going on another unsuccessful date at night.
• 11:00 p.m. come home from a date with junk food I eat in my room even though I agreed not to.
• Repeat everything the next day and wonder why my landlords can’t stand me.

This dude is the biggest water waster. Now don’t get me wrong. I may be an animal loving vegetarian/undercover hippie, but I definitely indulge in my long showers…once a week..because I have long ethnic hair that takes long to wash. This dude will take a half an hour shower, get out of the shower and run the sink water for about ten minutes straight, go to his room, come back to the bathroom and run the sink water for another ten minutes. All so he can leave the same sweaty tub of lard he went in as.

That may sound insensitive but let me just say that this guy is fat for a reason. The reason being himself. I was overweight at one point too, for one reason…myself. I understand that there are people who struggle daily with their weight and no matter what they do can’t lose, but I do believe that most people are fat because they are like Phil…unhealthy and lazy.

When I say Phil is fat, I don’t mean he can lose ten pounds. Or even twenty, or thirty. He is overweight, like 60-80 pounds over weight and you just need to hang out with him for a few hours to see why.

First of all, he literally never leaves the house except to get food. He wakes up at ten a.m. gets a Venti Starbucks drink (which is replete with calories an overweight person trying to lose weight should be avoiding) and a muffin. Lunch is an entire Large pizza…everyday. Sometimes I just wanna knock on the bathroom door in the morning when he is sitting there for his hour long shit and tell him..”You know, that daily large pizza can’t be helping your regularity, you might want to try some fiber in your diet. You’d be able to cut down your three hours+ a day in the bathroom maybe down to one.”

Once he did a juice fast for a week and lost ten pounds, only to go right back to his old routine of eating pizza everyday. I wanted to tell him, “it would have been more effective for you to just go for a walk around the block everyday and keep doing that.”

Perhaps what bothers me most about Phil is how lazy he is. you may have already guessed that. The reality is his diet is his business, but he is just all around lazy. He is home ALL day and never does anything to help around the house…nothing..unless I ask him. Even my other pothead, parents-paying-his-rent roommate manages to take out the trash or recycling without being told every now and then.

The trash could be completely full and stinky, the recycling full, bathroom trash full, my dogs begging to be let outside..nothing. I just wonder sometimes how do women manage to raise such inept, useless sons?

I hate to toot my own childless horn, but I aspire to raise very useful and productive children. Call it my traditional Latin upbringing, or my Dad’s drill sergeant influence, but both my brother and I were brought up to abhor laziness. Furthermore, we were raised to believe men should be very hard workers. Any male over the age of 16 who sat on his butt all day was totally looked down on as useless bum, let alone a 26 year old who sits on his ass all day and whose parents still pay his rent. How do his parents expect him to marry as useless as he is? I suspect his mother deliberately raised him to be that way because she hates her husband and purposely raised Phil to be inept and need her so she could have a lifelong companion other than her husband. She is just waiting for him to come back home to keep her company .

So I have a very hard time having any respect for Phil. This is someone who literally sits on his ass all day contributing nothing of value to the world or the household he lives in.

Any thoughts/comments?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Beyonce is a feminist?

Beyoncé is a feminist?

This is a tough one for me. I love Beyoncé. I think she is super talented. She can actually sing, she’s gorgeous, she can dance, and clearly has some business sense.

While I appreciate her standing in front of that huge, bright, FEMINIST sign at her performance, I would like to see her own that a little more now.

How? Tone down the sexy outfits. Make her voice the focus as opposed to her sexuality which is hard to ignore anyway.

That’s why I like Alicia Keys. Now there’s someone with so much talent she doesn’t need to bounce around in sexy outfits to be recognized. I think if you’re a truly talented person you don’t need to skank it up to gain attention. Men clearly don’t. Beyoncé has it all, so I would like to see her class it up.

Also, if you have read my previous blog posts you know I am totally against taking a man’s last name. Wasn’t Beyoncé’s tour called Mrs. Carter?

To her credit, standing in front of that feminist sign is now going to make feminism “cool” and less of a “dirty” word for the women who like her.

Let’s get this clear. Being a feminist does not equal being a man hater, but it does make you hate the status quo. It’s still a man’s world and there is no way to ignore that, especially for women.

Women live in a world in which they are surrounded by different types of media telling them how they should look.  Everywhere you go you see it-the advertisements with petite 18-25 year olds half naked, mouths open, in provocative poses.

Men do not live in this kind of world. They do not drive around and see huge billboards everywhere with men in their early 20’s lubed up, mouths and legs open. Rather, men of all ages are widely represented in the media.

Take for example, the Dos Equis guy, “The most interesting man in the world”, an older man with a scruffy gray beard usually sitting holding a beer with (again) two early twenties females on either side of him. Men learn that they can be dignified when they are older and they can be desirable.

Women internalize this idea as well. How many women do you know who are in relationships with much older men? Plenty right? Hey, Jay-z is 12 years older than Beyoncé. How many men do you know that are in relationships with women even five years older than them?

The woman over 25 is not represented in advertisements, and thus, unenlightened men believe that if all women don’t look like they are in their 20’s they should kill themselves. A lot of women think they should kill themselves as well.

Men in this generation are seriously unenlightened and uninclined to become “renaissance” men. I blame the over-saturation of porn on the internet. Here is another place in which women over 25 are not represented. Seeing a pattern here? Porn is so easily available, teenage boys who used to have to go outside and skate, be creative, or read to be entertained are now just totally addicted to porn and do nothing else with their mind.

I sometimes speculate for fun (as any radical feminist would do) about why men prefer younger women. Because they’re hotter? Well hotness is socially defined, but that is beside the point.

What is the number one porn category? Teens. Hm. Is this really because teens are hotter? Or because it is illegal to have sex with teenagers?

It’s all about wanting what you can’t have and it being naughty. That is why men are more inclined to cheat. Greed is encouraged in men whereas materialism is encouraged in women.

My theory is that men hate to see women over twenty five because this is when women start to become powerful. For the most part, they are more educated, less naïve, and have more money. This makes women too hard to get for insecure men.

Most men still equate femininity will powerlessness and naivety. Well nowadays you are gonna have to go for a teenager for that. Most women now are far from naïve and uneducated. We know what’s up and that scares men.

What do you guys think?

How to be a Modern Bitch

Let’s get this straight. I’m not perfect. But I am an avid observer of human nature…and I take notes.

Getting my Master’s in Marriage and Family Therapy has taught me a few things. I read somewhere that people who are more focused on “enduring” in a relationship, in other words, they are the type that:

-would never get divorced

-for a number of reasons only focus on continuing the relationship

These people are less likely to notice if/when their partner is cheating. Now first of all, the other type of partner is more focused on personal happiness. They are more sensitive to their own emotional states as well as their partner’s. Now what this also means is that this type of partner is more likely to, say, get a divorce, because they believe in the importance of personal happiness.

My boyfriend would say that I am the latter and this makes me a selfish person. I beg to differ. I believe that the enduring type “endures” for any number of neurotic reasons. Usually: insecurity, religious beliefs, for their children, pressure from family, etc. I think that is selfish. This type of person basically wants their partner to be on their bandwagon and put up with the relationship if it sucks because “that is the right thing to do”.

I want my partner to be with me because he is happy, not because he doesn’t want to pay alimony, not because its in the best interest of the children, and not because he thinks he can’t do any better.

This type of person is so focused on their own self, they fail to notice the emotions of their partner. This makes the “enduring” type neglectful. They take it as a given that the relationship will always endure, so they fail to check in on their partner and what their partner is really feeling. They are actually focused on themselves.

Thus, this type of person fails to notice or just deliberately ignores when their partner’s behavior changes because they are cheating. Then they cry when they find out because “they didn’t see it coming”.

Let me give you an example. There is a woman I know, let’s call her Cathy. Cathy is very beautiful and at almost 40 years old she can pass for 27. She has a great, fun, personality and after having her two children she got a “mommy makeover” which means a tummy tuck and breast implants, leaving her even more beautiful.

Thing is Cathy was repeatedly molested by her father when she was a little girl. When her mother found out about the abuse, she defended Cathy’s father and stayed with him. She encouraged Cathy to hide this dirty family secret, and to this day Cathy is close with both of her parents and never told her husband about the abuse.

Anyway as you can see, though Cathy appears well adjusted on the outside, she is obviously carrying shame inside. Her mother taught her to “stand by your man” and endure.

Cathy married a guy named Blake that she met in college, and after doing all of Blake’s homework she ended up dropping out while he graduated. They went on to have two beautiful children and appeared on the outside to be an amazing couple. I could see through the cracks.

Cathy completely changed her personality when she met Blake. She adopted all of his likes and interests. Cathy became a huge baseball and football fan like Blake so she could “have fun” with him at the games he went to. I have always joked with my boyfriend that white girls always feel they need to do this. They think they need to be “one of the boys”. It just always seems so tacky and desperate to me. 

I once heard Cathy’s mom defend how her daughter’s interests changed and said it was because it was the only way Blake would talk to her. I thought, why didn’t Cathy just find someone who liked her for who she was? Oh yea, because your husband molested her and Cathy thinks she is a piece of shit deep down inside.

Anyway everyone had their doubts about Blake, everyone except Cathy. Blake would go on “guys trips” and cruises quite frequently with his buddies, leaving Cathy at home with their two children. He would go see a movie once a week “by himself” even though they were broke. I thought..what does Cathy think he is doing when he is on these cruises with his good looking buddies? Does she think he rebuffs all the twenty-somethings who are talking to him and his friends? Does she think he politely tells them that he would rather not party and drink with them because he has a wife and two kids at home? Nah….And anything he wanted to do, Cathy would let him do it without a word of protest.

I remember telling my boyfriend, how does their relationship work? He is always going out with friends. See the thing is Blake was really good looking and kind of douchey…bad combo. I often wondered if Cathy got her mommy makeover because Blake made her feel badly about herself. If I had a boyfriend that good looking, or that shallow I wouldn’t let him out of my sight, but then I stay away from really good looking douchey guys for that reason. See I am not focused on enduring and I never bought into the whole “let your man do whatever he wants or he will leave you” crap. From my observations, if you let your man do whatever he wants..he will leave you or atleast cheat on you because he knows you are going to stay with him anyway.

See men are not raised like women. Women are socialized to be more thoughtful, more modest, more considerate. Men are not. So if you don’t tell your man to be more thoughtful, more modest, and more considerate he won’t be.

Women in the U.S. have bought this bullshit idea that asking your man to respect you this makes you insecure or controlling. Really? Last time I checked, having the balls to ask for what you want makes you assertive. But again, assertiveness is frowned upon in women.

Don’t believe that bullshit ladies. If you feel uncomfortable with something your man is doing TELL him. It’s the only way he will respect you. And if he doesn’t care about your feelings, tell him to get lost. Being single is better than being with someone who makes you feel insecure.

Back to Cathy. I predicted Blake would cheat on her and he did…with her best friend. He went up to Cathy one morning and said “I’m leaving you”. He had his stuff packed and he left to live with a friend.

Cathy “didn’t see it coming”. I thought, how do you not see your man straight up leaving you and your two kids?  No one decides to make that drastic of a change over night. This is why I keep tabs on my man’s phone, email, etc. Because not seeing something like that coming means you’re not doing your homework.

As women we have been brainwashed into believing that we should check up on our cars before we check up on our man so that men can have their cake and eat it too. I have had so many friends (who were eventually cheated on) tell me that looking through my boyfriend’s phone means I don’t trust him. I trust him, otherwise I wouldn’t be with him, but I don’t trust men blindly. Because as I said before men and women are raised differently. Men are encouraged by society to have a wandering eye, to lie, to sleep with as many women as possible etc etc. and I’m not naïve..why should I think I’m so special my boyfriend won’t act like that?  Women’s definitions of fidelity are generally stricter than men’s definitions. So I do my homework and check up on my man. And guess what? If he really had a problem with it he would have left a long time ago.

Men who get upset when their woman goes through their phone are hiding something. Plain and simple..and douches like that will try to make you feel insecure about yourself by telling you that you’re insecure. Men still have a problem with assertive women because it is more fun for them to have their cake and eat it too. Don’t let a man use you.That makes you insecure. And its time women start being assertive.

-ModernBitch

 

 

What is a Modern Bitch?

A modern bitch is NOT a “modern woman”. Let me explain.

I rejected the term “modern woman” when this chick I can’t stand, let’s call her Tiffany, claimed that she is a “modern woman”.

Let me give you some background on this girl Tiffany. I met her five years ago through my boyfriend. She went to college for her Mrs. Degree. She got her bachelor’s, snagged a well-off husband by playing her cards right (being a doormat), and resigned herself to smoke weed all day and do nothing.

At one time she had a shop that sold trinkets, which I deemed her “hobby” that was funded by her husband. And a year later it closed down. She did nothing for two years thereafter and finally got her husband to agree to get her pregnant and now she is a stay at home mom. I predicted she would get pregnant after her shop closed down so she could have an excuse to not work..and she did.

Worse still, she is a total doormat. Her husband does whatever he wants, to the point that his own mother, Tiffany’s mother-in-law, encourages her to be stricter with him. He was at his “Dadchelor” party while she was at home alone having contractions…he wouldn’t pick up his phone. Worse STILL, her husband is constantly talking about other women, looking at other women, and commenting on how hot his female clients are..all behind her back.

I can’t help but feel that his disrespectful behavior is partly her fault. I wouldn’t respect her either. She is lazy, unambitious and a doormat so that she can have a meal ticket.

So…one day at a wedding I heard an older man ask her if she had changed her last name when she married. Yes, she said, I changed my last name when I got married, but I’m a modern woman. Good, he said, I hate when women do shit like keep their last name.

I almost threw up in my champagne glass.

At this point you have probably guessed correctly that I am totally against taking a man’s last name. As “modern women” we like to say we are equal to men and can do anything a man can do, yet we continue to make the fundamental mistake of accepting our place as second class citizens by taking our husband’s last names and losing our own. If we can do anything men can do, why don’t we keep our last names? Want proof that taking a man’s last name is a submissive act? Ask a man if he would take his wife’s last name in marriage, most men cringe and say, “hell no”. Yea……we have been taught by Disney movies and pretty much any romantic movie to romanticize being a man’s servant. Making him dinner (while still working, at least most of us), grooming him, cleaning the house, etc. This is why most divorced women do not remarry. Traditional women see marriage as an obligation to take care of a man. yet about 75% of divorced men remarry, and why wouldn’t they? With all of these women around who see it as their duty to care for a man and put themselves second until his dying day.

Back to last names…The tradition of taking a man’s last name is hundreds of years old. Women were “given away” by their families and became the property of their husband and his family. Hence, the adoption of his last name and riddance of her own. She no longer belonged to the family who gave her her name. Her duty was to bear children for her new family so that the family property could be passed on (to sons) and the family name could survive (through sons). She was a servant to her husband and to her husband’s parents. This is why men preferred and still prefer younger women. Getting a bride as young as you could get her, sometimes 5-10 years old was beneficial to an older man because this meant his wife would likely outlive him and be alive to take care of him in his old age. While she was destined to die without a partner, likely alone for decades after her husband’s death. Marrying younger women, taking a man’s last name, fathers walking daughters down the aisle these are all romanticized customs that we have forgotten the origins of.

Most people don’t even know why they do these things. But continuing to do them perpetuates our place in society as second to men. Deep down inside we all know its creepy and weird that men prefer younger women, often MUCH younger women, and we have been brainwashed into believing this is “biological”. Yea that makes biological sense for the men, what about the woman? An older man has more resources? Well yea, women were conned through marriage into servitude. I don’t think women getting with older men is a biological preference for resources as much as it is a social adaptation to a societal structure that passes all resources through men and their last names.

Back to Tiffany..after hearing her call herself a modern woman, I completely rejected the term. I am way more radical and forward thinking than she is, I thought, and I can’t call myself a modern woman if chicks like her are throwing that term around all willy-nilly. I need a new term, a term that conveys radical forward-thinking thought. A term that is taboo and scares men (because the reality is that men fear the truly modern woman).

This is how the term Modern Bitch was born.

Like the word nigger, I wanted to take a word that was meant to degrade and compartmentalize women and turn it into an empowering word only women could use.

I’m such a freakin feminist to this day if I hear a man call a woman “bitch” I almost I almost have a heart attack. I have the same visceral reaction people have when they hear a white person call a black person a “nigger”.

So there you are. I am a Modern Bitch. Men hate bitches because it disrupts their internalized ideal of a doormat Betty Croker that gives them hand jobs. My power and strength scares men and they cringe because I go ape-shit if they call me a bitch.

A truly free and modern woman is a modern bitch. Own your bitchiness ladies.